Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
