you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
