I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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