I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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