her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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