I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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