i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
