Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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