I got chris browned last night
I CAN MOONWALK!
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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