Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Swine flu. Run for my life!
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize