My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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