we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
tequila makes me forget i have legs
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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