Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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