I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
