Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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