Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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