Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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