Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
