a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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