Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
