I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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