Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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