Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
