I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize