woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
