we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
