I met the friendliest cop last night
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
