i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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