I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
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