Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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