I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
