Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
