but the lizard people decide everything anyway
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
