Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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