haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
