Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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