there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
