Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
