Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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