can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
