The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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