every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
