I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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