Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
