I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
