If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
