I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
