The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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