bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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