ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
