I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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