we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
