The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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