some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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