3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
